When Perfectionism is Really About Feeling Safe

Her voice was calm and gentle, but her words still packed a punch.

“Rachel, your perfectionism is the result of you trying to control your external circumstances to manage your internal agitation.”

Ouch.

She was right—but I didn’t like the truth.

Was I really doing that?

I was.

Once I admitted it, I could see it so clearly. The perfectionism I had always struggled with wasn’t really about being perfect; it was about trying to feel okay inside. The more unsettled I felt internally, the more I tried to control my environment. And when I couldn’t control it, I numbed myself to it.

Some of you can relate to what I’m saying. Others may feel baffled by my confession. But if you’re baffled, it’s likely not because the pattern is unfamiliar—only that my example doesn’t mirror yours. You, too, are probably making choices based on the intensity of your environment in an effort to regulate what’s happening inside of you.

Let me explain further.

Our external environment—the life we live—is full of constant alerts, noise, and unpredictable demands. We can’t escape it.

Technology, beginning with our phones and watches.
Overloaded calendars that keep us running nonstop.
The needs and demands of our children—or a boss who always expects more.

Can you feel the tension in your body just thinking about it?

This constant stimulation leads to internal agitation and the familiar question: Why can’t I calm down?

Here’s the thing.

We can’t escape every part of life that feels overwhelming. But we can choose to limit the overstimulation that contributes to the overwhelm.

We can choose to create rhythms that establish a foundation for healing. Often, a sense of calm comes from consistent, small signals of safety—not big, dramatic overhauls.

• We can add white space to our calendars by saying no more often and intentionally setting aside time to be at home—or wherever allows you to take a deep breath and drop your shoulders in relief.
• We can silence our phones and take off our watches for an hour at a time to be fully present with those we love or to work without distraction. The world will wait.
• We can intentionally step away from screens and read a paper book, play a board game, or take a walk outside in nature.
• We can turn off the podcasts, audiobooks, or background television and become comfortable with silence again.
• We can reach for protein and produce instead of caffeine and sugar.

In the quiet and the slowness, we begin to notice how our insides are speaking to us. Often, the internal angst that feels so uncomfortable is simply your body trying to get your attention. It may feel awkward—or even alarming at first—to fully feel what’s going on inside, but as you listen and respond, the emotional chatter begins to settle.

It’s very difficult to calm anxious thoughts when our lifestyle continually feeds racing thoughts and unsettled feelings. That’s why I talk so much about lifestyle habits inside Wholeness Restored. We don’t change everything at once. Slowly, incrementally, we make changes that breathe life back into us. The chaos we sense all around us requires a counter-cultural approach to stilling the chaos within us.

I had to face the perfectionistic habits I was using to manage the noise inside of me. Trying to control my circumstances perfectly would never alleviate the apprehension I felt, because the moment something became imperfect, my anxiety returned. It was an impossible fix—and I was trapped in it.

Instead, I learned to slow down enough to notice the sensations in my body. I chose to eat well and prioritize extra sleep. I turned off my phone and computer and stopped numbing the discomfort I felt. I allowed myself to be fully present with my emotions.

And as I did, they began to diminish.

And the biggest difference?



I no longer felt as overwhelmed—by my external environment or my internal world.